Before I sat down to write today, I tried to come up with a cute lead-in for this post; an anecdote or something that would make me sound as little less pathetic.
But there’s no cute way of saying, “I made out with my ex-boyfriend the other night because I was lonely, and he’s really hot.” So, instead of trying to be clever, I’ll just dive into the post.
The ex-boyfriend I wrote about HERE, not too long ago, who was the sole name on my shit list–called me the other day and wanted to meet up.
I, against my better judgment, allowed my emotions to take over,
and agreed to see him.
We broke up over a year ago, but the official end to our relationship didn’t come until last spring when I found out something that made me question everything I’d ever known about him. (I may go into details in another post, but the topic is sort of delicate, and I still haven’t found the words to express how I feel about it.)
Anyway, after the initial blowup and subsequent blow ups–expletive-filled text messages and phone calls, we had what I would call a clean break. Aside from a few ill-timed phone calls, we haven’t had much contact, which I think has been for the best.
Fast forward to Wednesday. We were supposed to meet for dinner, but he didn’t show up until right before 10 pm. If this had been anyone else in the world, I would have thought that he had ulterior motives for showing up at my home that late. But, I can attest to the fact that he has always lived in a world where time didn’t exist, so I let it slide.
My emotions were already in a state of flux, prior to the encounter. And seeing him, after months of limited contact, ignited the release of a swarm of fluttering butterflies in my stomach. I literally felt like I was in middle school, and the boy I liked smiled at me for the first time. I know that sounds cheesy, but there’s no other way for me to describe it. I’ve been struggling with accepting the fact that I’m still in love with him for awhile now, but I couldn’t deny it in that moment.
There’s no way in the world that he doesn’t know how I feel. Even with my guard up, he can read me like an open book.
The “date” was fine, nothing fancy. It was late, so a proper dinner was out of the question. We ended up grabbing some fast food and heading to his place to play catch up. We were going to go to the movies, but there wasn’t really anything out that I wanted to see. Not to mention, I’ve been weary of movie theaters ever since that theater shooting a few years ago.
We settled on his couch and watched a little TV while we ate and talked. He’s always been a good listener, but he seemed incredibly engaged with every word I was saying.
It was weird playing catch up with the one person in the world who used to know me better than anybody. But what can you really expect when you go for long periods of time without speaking with somebody?
We did hit a few rough patches in the conversation. From the time we settled in his place, I know that he was holding back with me to protect my feelings. There are topics that we’re not ready to discuss yet. He knows it, and I know it, so the conversation didn’t really go past a surface level.
When things got a little too awkward, we focused on the television, and as the night dragged on, I started to get a little sleepy. We were already cuddling, so I just rested my head on his shoulder. Not long after that he kissed me. The kiss turned into a full on make-out session on his couch, one that I knew was coming. One that, if I’m being honest, I was looking forward to as well. He’d been giving me bedroom eyes and crowding my space the whole night, and I’m only human!
So I allowed it to happen. Truth be told, I wasn’t exactly sure where the evening was going to go. I had no plans of having sex with him, but I’m not going to lie, the thought crossed my mind more than once. A few times, actually. It’s kinda hard for sex not to cross your mind when your mouth and neck is being attacked by the person who was once the love of your life. There were several opportunities for the situation to progress further than it did, and one time where it started to, but I didn’t allow it.
It was way harder than I thought it would be to stop myself from going all of the way. haven’t been with anyone in that way since we stopped seeing each other last year, (I’m not really into hooking up, and I’ve had no desire to meet someone new yet) so there was a lot of pent up emotional energy on my part.
If we were on better terms, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But we haven’t re-established the kind of trust I’d need to even consider going there right now. If he ends up earning that aspect of our relationship again, then they’ll be plenty of time for that. Right now, I just want to see if we can make it a while without tearing into each other.
So far, it’s been about four days, but I don’t really count those. We’re still very much in the faux pleasantry stage of re-connecting, where neither of us wants to say anything that could piss the other off. It won’t last, and once things get real again–when he stops tiptoeing around my feelings, when I stop excusing his behavior because I want to reconnect with him, we’ll see how I feel about him then.
People can and do change all of the time and I genuinely hope that’s the case for him.I just know that it’s too early to gauge whether or not I’m ready to let him back in all of the way. It’s also too early to know if I can even handle being with him again, now that a new dynamic (that I’m sure you’re tired of be being vague about) has been introduced.
I’m not entirely sure where to go from here. If this past week has proven anything, it’s that I want my ex-boyfriend in my life in some capacity. In a perfect world, we’d be back together, and I wouldn’t have time to write this blog post, because I’d be curled up in his arms.
But the world is far from perfect, as you know, and that’s a reality I’m not sure is possibly anymore.
Any who, if you enjoyed reading about my sucky love life, please leave a comment below and consider subscribing to my blog! Thank for reading!