You know those movies where the protagonist is obviously being played by the super cute charming guy, but she can’t get over how cute and charming the guy is, so she allows it to happen?
I feel like that’s been my life the past couple of days. Only thing: unlike the women in these movies, I don’t have the super swanky apartment that overlooks the big city. Nor do I have the trendy girlfriends to meet for brunch and mimosas, and trash the guy with.
I also don’t have the cute, emotional guy next door on standby to pick up the pieces once the charmer breaks my heart. (Which, come on, in real life, the cute, emotional guy would have been the first choice. Movies are dumb.)
All I have is a three year old laptop, with internet access that I can use to document my pitiful journey into eventual heartbreak.
I decided to start a WordPress blog as a companion to my Tumblr blog, so that I don’t clutter up my fandom/writing blog with personal posts. The problem is that I didn’t know what to write about. Then I had an epiphany: I decided to write about my sucky life as a 20-something.
It’s not particularly interesting, but I think it’s super relatable. There’s nothing better than than shared misery, so I decided to share my tales of woe and my unrealistic expectations about love to some of you on your journey. If nothing else, you can have a laugh at my expense.
So, here’s the thing.
I have a rule, that I don’t follow very often, which means it’s not very effective. Still, it’s a rule.
It goes like this. If I wouldn’t contact a certain person when I’m happy, I’m not allowed to contact them when I’m upset. As someone who’s led by her emotions, it’s a crucial rule for keeping me from making irrational decisions. I don’t like being alone, and when I’m upset or lonely I find myself contacting people I wouldn’t think twice about on a good day, just to have someone to talk to.
I broke that rule the other day when my I accepted a call from by ex-boyfriend.
When my phone lit up, I immediately recognized the phone number, and my gut told me not to do it, but I couldn’t resist. After spending months stalking his social media accounts, I was interested hearing about what he’d been up to.
I full on expected to exchange a few pleasantries–tell him about my writing career, listen to him complain about his job, etc– through clenched teeth, then descend into a sob filled screaming match. The few times we’ve spoken since we cut off all communication last year, that’s been the usual pattern.
(I’m nothing if not dramatic.)
But, the universe wanted to screw with me, and make the conversation not just tolerable, but completely enjoyable. That’s not a bad thing, obviously. But for someone who knows in her heart that she’s not over this guy, it was a stupid move on my part.
Because the more we talked, the more I could feel myself being sucked back into him. We had the same rapport; the wit that made me fall in love with him was still there, and everything felt natural and easy. It reminded me of the reasons that I feel for him in the first place. He has an amazing sense of humor, and a voice that makes my heart melt.
On top of that, he apologized for hurting me and for keeping a hug part of his life a secret from me for months. This isn’t the first time that he’d apologized, but it was the first time that it felt sincere. Maybe that’s my own fault. I used to let my emotions get the best of me, anytime the situation came up. My attitude, and my slick comments would escalate the conversation to the point of screaming on both sides, until one of us would just hang up the phone.
Maybe he had always been sincere; maybe I couldn’t hear him before.
Now, if he was all good we’d still be together. The fact of that matter is that he has glaring character traits, that were unearthed as our relationship progressed. Things that made it difficult to be with him. Now, I’m not going to use this post to trash him. (I do enough of that in private.) Besides, I’m sure he has a list of complaints about me, just as extensive as the one I have of him. (Though, I’d say a good 60% of his complaints are invalid, but I digress.)
It’s just to say that we’ll never work. Without digging too deep into his personal life, I’ll just say that there are factors present now that weren’t when we first go together. Even if we could get over our issues, our relationship would never be the same, and I know I’m not emotionally mature enough to deal with those changes. Not right now.
If I was a smart person, I would just accept his apology, and leave it at that. But I’m meeting him this week. He offered to take me out to dinner, and I accepted a little too eagerly. My hasty “yeah, sure” prompted a chuckle from him that let me know, he knew where my head was at. He would have known without that, to be honest. Because I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings.
The shameless flirting coming from both sides didn’t help either. So, you know, whatever.
And I know that it won’t end well for me. I know that I’ll go into expecting something that he can’t give me. I know, things will feel easy and free again. And I know, I’ll probably leave another shard of my heart with him at the end of the night. But I’m looking forward to seeing him. As much as I resent him–it’s a given that we resent our ex’s right?–I miss him.
It’s been almost a full year since we officially ended things, even though the relationship was over months prior to that. I’m looking forward to seeing him; to catching up; to possibly…well, I don’t know what I want exactly. A friendship would be nice, but I know that’s not possible as long as I’m not over him.
A relationship is out of the question. What’s left is this weird middle ground, where my love for him continues to burn, but I have no way to satiate it. In all honesty, that’s where I’ve been the past year. The only thing is that we weren’t in contact with each other.
Now we are. And even though I know I won’t be able to control my emotions, I don’t regret answering his phone call. That said, we haven’t met up yet. That opinion could change in a heartbeat. Just as our rapport remains the same, I’m sure our shared stubbornness, and our ability to hurt each other does as well.
Anyway, it’s almost 7am, and I haven’t slept, so I’ll end this here. This post won’t even be edited before I publish it, so…you know…be kind.
I’ll let you know how it goes.